I originally wrote this post for my last blog, which has now been deleted. It’s one of two posts that needs to be preserved for posterity, though, so I’ll post it here after the jump.
Pre-Kickoff: Great, I have to watch this in English because the alternate commentaries are showing Mexico-Uruguay. Lovely. Could they have at least gotten some higher-quality commentators? Maybe someone who could talk coherently? I mean, I understand more Spanish than I understand of these commentators’ accents.
Oh great. The game hasn’t even started yet, and the Vuvuzelas are out. My eardrums are reeling already. On a different note, France has a frickin’ awesome National Anthem. South Africa’s isn’t bad, but after the standard that France set…listening to it feels like an injustice to France’s anthem.
Am I the only person who sees (COL) and thinks Colorado before Colombia?
0:00: France’s coaches look like they just got out of a funeral. I don’t give that look much of a chance.
2’: That’s it. If this game becomes a classic, I’m calling it “the game with the funny name.”
5’: I don’t think the commentators should be allowed to call the crowd “a massive yellow,” in a sport where “yellow” also refers to a penalty.
7’: Who was that guy seeing there? Was he passing to The Invisible Man there? I thought that guy was American. Just like the rest of the Fantastic Four.
10’: French might have to go home in disguise? Really, Mr. Commentator? North Korea downs 7-0 and you’re worried about FRANCE?
12’: Another invisible handball there…Clearly not intentional, and doubtful that he even touched the ball. Terrible officiating this time around, eh?
16’: Is it just me, or are the commentators just explaining how Soccer works, without any analysis…and an offside, while I wasn’t looking or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t looking.
18’: A nice stop by South Africa. Another French Attack (surprisingly) stopped.
20’: GOOOOOOAAAAAAAL!!!!!!!! Koumali’s first goal. And France looks like they will be defeated again. At this point, does losing qualify as a French tradition?
23’: Great. Just what I needed. Louder vuvuzelas. I’m sure everyone at home appreciates that. South Africa is going to be the new “country everyone hates” after this. At least the USA doesn’t have vuvuzelas.
26’: And a Red Card on Gorcuff. Looks like South Africa might actually advance. And a South African is down.
30’: At this point, if I’m France, I’m just packing it in here. Better luck next 4 years, France.
31’: Considering the Mexico-Uruguay game is still 0-0, apply the above comment to South Africa, too.
33’: France has no control. Their coach is done. They haven’t got a chance.
37’: Tshabalala is a beast. Yet another assist. He’s like the John Stockton of South Africa. As a matter of fact, I’m going to call him that for the rest of the tournament.
40’: Another failed attack by the French. So close, yet so far.
41’: South Africa is really stepping up their play here. It seems like that loss to Uruguay was a wake-up call.
43’: Why did the commentators credit the Keeper with the save there? The ball looked wide to me.
44’: Uruguay takes the lead against Mexico. Looks like South Africa has a chance.
45’: The more I watch this game, the more I believe Desmond Tutu’s prediction. This game is a lot more interesting than I thought it would be.
BONUS1: If these games started at the same time, why is there about a 12-second time differential between them?
Okay, that’s it, I’m rooting for South Africa when the USA goes out tomorrow. Don’t you EVER doubt the heart of a Champion!
Half: France’s chances (I rhymed, haha) aren’t looking too good at this point. At least when the USA was down 2-0 to Slovenia at half, they had shown some signs of life. I see nothing in this France team.
51’: SO. CLOSE.
53’: So France’s coach believes in Astrology…Why would you hire someone like that to coach a team? Doesn’t that just about go against just about all of the principles of coaching?
56’: At this point, I’m thinking that all that France can do is hope to do is screw France out of advancing.
58’: A damn nice save there. I thought that was in. Lots of credit to the French goalie for keeping Bufana Bufana from going up more than they have already.
59’: If France wasn’t so inaccurate with their shots, South Africa would be out. This game could very well be 2-2.
62’: I thought that was in. Way too close of a call there. Mexico should definitely be worried.
64’: South Africa isn’t really playing that well. It seems like the only reason that France is down is because they’re playing terribly.
66’: Uh-oh. South African John Stockton is down. Not good.
68’: That broadcast glitch scared the you-know-what out of me. Thought my cable was going out.
70’: I’m sorry, South Africa. So sorry. You put up a good fight.
74’: I like how ESPN isn’t showing the scoreboard anymore. Are the chances for South Africa really that low?
76’: South Africa, please take the slipper off. It clearly doesn’t fit you. You played hard.
78’: What does France have left to prove? Why don’t they just let South Africa score the necessary goals?
80’: South Africa looks tired. They don’t seem to have that energy they had in the first half. Their coach needs to make a substitution or something. Maybe they can borrow Hercules Gomez from the USA?
83’: I feel really sorry for the people of South Africa. Sure, their team is going to win the 3 points, but, eh…If I was over there, I would be in my closet in the Fetal position right now.
84’: Did anybody else see the look on the French coach’s face right there? That’s the look of someone who thinks they’re going to keep their job. And he is probably very wrong.
86’: I think non-sports metaphors should be banned from sports commentary. Especially the ones in foreign languages. That was terrible. I never want to hear that again.
89’: The longer this game goes on, the more I want to take a nap. Once this goes on Facebook, expect me to be out like a light.
BONUS2: The commentators on this game are not maintaining a professional neutrality.
South Africa got SO CLOSE. 40 seconds left.
Final: South Africa outplayed France so badly there, It wasn’t even close. They almost pulled it off, but came up a little bit short. Of course, it was against a collapsing French team, so I’m not sure how much of an accomplishment it is.
Nice to see that the people of South Africa are still in celebratory mode.